Pentium based on Hampshire Farm

An Intel spokesman, speaking from Silicon Valley yesterday, said "That's ridiculous. The Pentium was developed over a five year period, using state of the art VLSI design. Any resemblance between our product and an English farm is pure coincidence."

Mr Symes' allegations are as follows:

• The chip is made of `fields®' of transistors, linked by `roads®' to the control `buildings®'. This clearly resembles a farm more than the conventional layout of a microprocessor.

• In order to keep power consumption low each `field®' of transistors must undergo a period of `laying fallow®' for 12 out of every 48 clock cycles. This meets with EEC regulations but is patently not a sane design feature.

• Data is `harvested®' from the transistor fields by the `Tractor Fetch®' operation. This would normally be handled by a bus.

• The Pentium is centrally controlled by the Arable Land Unit (ALU®) which answers to the MAFF®.

Intel have issued a press release in response to these allegations. They claim that the EEC®, or Extended Execution Cycle, is a logical step in chip design for portable computers. The `Tractor®' and `Road®' terminology is designed to prevent arch-rival chip manufacture AMD profiting from older, unpatented nomenclature.

Responding to a query from Her Majesty's Government Intel have revealed that the MAFF® in their chip refers to the Mathematical Algorithm Fully Floating which divides

The Pentium has had a mixed reaction from major computer suppliers. IBM claim that the NFU® (Not Feasible Until ...) function coupled with the limitations of the CAP® (Complex Arable Parameter) would mean that the processor would be unable to compete with cheap imports from outside the Execution Umbrella (EU®). Gateway have refused to use the chip after tests demonstrated fast graphics data being held up for hours behind a `Tractor Fetch®' on the `roads®'.

Technically the Pentium is a remarkable machine. It has been criticised for its need to be backwardly compatible with `Slash and Burn®' and `Hunter Gatherer®' modes. However the ingenious multiplexed clock means that each addressing mode is available for three out of every twelve cycles. The Pentium supports Summer®, Fall®, Winter® and Spring® addressing modes. Intel have declined to comment about support for the European Autumn® mode.

The Pentium is capable of reaching 112 MIPS, or Million Improved Potatoes per Second. The Potato is a proprietary term for a Pentium instruction. The processor is the first in a series of IRIS® (Incredibly Reduced Instruction Set) computers. These instructions are `SOW' and `HST'. This made beta testing unusually straightforward.

During manufacturing Intel have had to discard almost half of the chips made. Due to the complexity of the etching process strange circles often appear in the fields of transistors. Intel cite the cost of throwing away so many silicon wafers as justification for the price of their chip.

The Pentium features a radical AI procedure which customises the chip for the owner. Unused transistor fields are converted into golf courses using an EMS® (Entertainment Management System) driver. Instructions can be sold for a CAP® specified subsidy to op-code mountains. For some chips the CAP will arrange to `pay®' the processor to not use some of its fields.